Creating Kris ~ a young mom blogs…

bad friends keep showing their faces

so I’ve added a “bad friends” category to my blog

and I didn’t think I’d be using it for new entries, just for categorizing old ones

how hard is it for them to figure out the whole “if you’re going to be mean, just stay the f* away?” thing!? no, apparently they are not that smart.

had an incident yesterday that sent me spiraling into yet another set of obsessions about that whole group, that whole situation, all the mean things they’ve said or done to me. anytime something happens with them, it just brings it *all* churning back up again and makes me so miserable.

thought about retaliating somehow, about sending an e-mail or something, but knowing them they would just find some way to twist it into something else and turn it back on me like they always do.

so I will just vent in my blog instead:

Krissie – stay the f* out of my territory and out of my face!!!!

ok, had to get that off my chest. meant to blog it last night but was actually in too much pain. ouch. chalk Monday up to a reeeeeeeally bad Monday and let’s move on with the week!!!

this weekend

I think I’m going to change my goals and expectations for the weekends. Like maybe along the lines of something like “just survive the damn thing”.

Friday was actually the start of our weekend – our childcare provider needed the day off so Paul stayed home and we both had Avery to look after. We took him to Place d’Orleans and the playplace there and had lunch there as well. For the evening, we planned for our usual movie night and settled on Chinese food. We’d agreed to send Harmony off to her Grandma & Papa (my ex’s parents) but then realized I’ve really been putting off taking her shopping. We gave her a few choices, and decided we might try to go shopping on Friday evening instead of doing movie night. But then by the time we’d been hanging out in the park with Amanda in the kids for half an hour, we realized we didn’t really want to drag ourselves out there. We walked to the movie store to pick something up, but Harmony was uber-whinny and Avery threw a tantrum because he didn’t like the movie we picked. So we didn’t even end up watching the movie we picked up, we went with something shorter.

On Saturday we realized that Harmony had a birthday party to go to so we called to cancel the grandparents’ sleepover. It also meant Harmony wouldn’t be able to make it to gymnastics (from 10-12) as the party started @ 11:30. I asked Harmony if she wanted one of my pre-made-pre-stamped blank birthday cards, but no, she wanted to make her own. What started out as a plan to just grab her some cardstock from my craft area in the basement turned into her wanting to print out an image from the net, which turned into making a card with my in Adobe which turned into changing it, etc. Then the kids had to colour in and personalize the card, etc. Meanwhile Paul was having a quicker shower to try to help get us out the door but the card took so damn long it was unfortunately a wasted effort on his part. All this unbeknownst to me until later. We arrived at Zellers to shop for gifts a little while later, grumpy and irritable. Managed to get some gifts and made it to the party on time. We did our shopping Saturday evening, including getting Harmony her first real bra (what a milestone, awww, too bad she was terrible about it).

Sunday we did Coscto and got our free Harvey’s burgers for lunch (yum!). Got the kids outside in the later afternoon and had my grandmother over for a belated “mother’s day” dinner. Neither my mother nor Paul’s mother were able to make it. My grandmother has really deteriorated lately, which is just so sad. My mother recently moved her into a nursing home, and I saw her place for the first time tonight, it is so tiny. But it does seem like a very nice facility at least, with comfortable rooms to hang out in, nifty services, and a pleasant staff. I feel bad I haven’t been able to do more for her (in the past few months, in the past few years) but at the same time I also feel angry with my mother for not doing her part (and her two brothers for not taking their part of the responsibility either!). It’s been hard for me to cope with my grandmother, as she has no grasp on the gravity of my mental illness and it’s affect on my life and family (”What’s the problem!?!?” I remember her yelling at me during one phone conversation). And yet I still want to be there for her. I was in tears getting back from seeing her and her place tonight. But I’m sure she appreciated the time over at our place and seeing the kids and everything. Thanks hon for bbq-ing and for the yummy DQ cake, we couldn’t've had her over without your help!

Not too hectic of a weekend as far as our usual plans go… this is actually pretty typical. But we were not in great shape (physically or emotionally) and it was hugely stressful to get through it all. There were really some points I felt like tossing things or slamming doors or whatever, I just felt so utterly frustrated. My language was not great, oops. And I did at a few points threaten to smack the kids, which Avery just loved repeating – “Now you’re gonna get a smack!”. Problem is, he *actually* smacks. Ouch.

Harmony has been on a huuuuuuge whining kick lately which has been driving us crazy. She appreciates *nothing*, not cards, not crafts, not being taken places or bought things, not computer time, not meals, not treats, nothing! If you don’t give her something, she’ll pout and fuss. If you give her one thing, she’ll immediately ask for an upgrade… Get her to wear shoes and she’ll complain she can’t have crocs, but let her have crocs and she’ll whine for flip-flops.

Meanwhile Avery has been dropping his afternoon (and only) naptime, which means he is much more cranky (in the evenings especially), but yet not tired enough in the afternoon to have a little rest and calm period. Usually we do still try to have him stay in his room for “quiet time” after lunch but instead he rebels by running out and hiding in other rooms, and then later turfing stuff over his gate (which we’ve put up after the running-and-hiding stage) and sometimes managing to get stuff over the banister and down the stairs!

So I’m thinking of putting my 9 and 3 year olds up for sale, any takers? (((sigh))) No, not really, I love them to bits, it’s just that weekends like these make me question my sanity to be undergoing this “parent thing”. :S

At least we made it through yet another weekend, a long weekend for us, and not at all like the fun and relaxing long weekend we had over the holiday weekend (away from both kids! while up at Karen’s cottage). A very striking difference for sure, and a painful transition to make. Welcome back to full-time parenthood, Kris and Paul… yikes!

I’m looking forward to the weekend being *over*, it’s actually less stressful for us to have the kids out of our hair and just be able to go about whatever work we can accomplish at our own pace. Once we survive the usual craziness of getting-out-the-door-Monday-morning, that is. (((cringe)))

Announcing….. my new blog! :)

So as my little online world grows and grows, so does my online self/identity. And I think it’s time to just toss “Krismom” out there into the world (wide web), sink or swim…

News flash: My blog, which is staying @ the front-and-center of Krismom.com, is now migrating over from LJ to Wordpress! It will be hosted by me on my site and will be search-able and easily accessible on the net. Most notably: most of the friends-only posts I’m transferring over from LiveJournal will not be locked. This includes the previously-locked posts from over the past years, written as I was facing severe depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, suicidal thoughts, and hospitalization. You may now peek into my little world and see who I really am. All of me.

(((deep breath))) and I’m hoping everyone will be OK with that, myself included. And I’m hoping maybe to inspire, to encourage, to help other young moms cope and get through whatever they are facing, because maybe there are some moms out there who are going through what I’m going through (or have been through in my crazy crazy life) and who need to know they are not alone!!!

I know I’m not “famous”, but in my own little circles (like YM), well, I’m at least a very familiar face… so I want to use this to help others. I know I have problems but I also know I’m a damn good mommy and I’m proud of it. All along, I’ve done everything I possibly could to recover and heal and be the best mom I could be to my kids. And I want other mommies to know that you can overcome huge obstacles in your life and be OK in the end! You can be suffering but still bring a lot of love and joy into the world every single day. Even when you feel like you can’t possibly make it through one more thing, you somehow do, and somehow manage to be a role model to yourself and your kids and your friends while doing it.

Over the past few years, suffering from PPD and OCD has been one of the worst experiences I’ve ever made it through. I’d say it’s been tougher than being a single teen parent, than being kicked out of your house as a pregnant teen by your mother and a cop, than having a C-section without a properly-functioning epidural, than having 3 miscarriages, than being in 2 car accidents, than being a final-year-thesis-writing undergrad psych major, than any heart-wrenching break-up. And it’s been by far the most life-threatening. I’ve made it through allllll of these other life events but almost didn’t make it through the mental health issues and the suicidal thoughts that came with them (which were mostly due to the meds taken attempting to treat these disorders!). I am honest when I tell you that post-partum depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder almost killed me. And are slowly killing little parts of me to this day as I try to escape from them.

Instead of killing myself though, I have lived, and I want that life to be worth as much as it can be. I am reaching out to everyone… to know me, to learn from me, to join me on this journey I’m taking and draw some courage from it. I’ve always known I would be a helper and a healer. In my work running YM for the past decade, I’ve tried to do just that. And I think this is one more way I can help to heal others. And to maybe finally heal myself in the process.

I’ve started the massive project of moving my blog over to Krismom.com last week on my birthday. It’s been a week and I have all of 2008 transferred over. Only… 5 more years to go? Yikes. Please be patient as I get things set up more and more. I’ll post again when the full archives become available. For now though please stop by Krismom.com as much as you can and share it with other people you know who might need it in their lives. Especially other young moms!

My wish is to be everyone’s fave 20-something ex-teen-mom, writing, designing, psych-graduate, YM-running, blinkie-making, baby-munching, feminist, married, queer, poly, mom of 2 kids & 3 angels, who was hospitalized for PPD and now has OCD and chronic pain from 2 car accidents… And if I’m not, well *please* introduce me to this woman who’s anything remotely like me ’cause wow I need to get some pointers from her on how to cope with getting through life with all this on her plate!!

Thanks for reading and hope to see you @ my new blog!!!

x-posted to LJ, Krismom.com, Facebook, & YM