parenting 101 – blended family version
Sometimes I miss being a single mom. There were just some parts that were easier, quicker, and parenting “on the fly” was one of those things. I could just trust my instincts, do what I needed to do, and have it all work out. Harmony’s first few years went pretty well given that she was as prone to temper tantrums as any other toddler.
One of the many differences of parenting at the “late-20s-and-married-with-house-and-car” stage (as opposed to 18-and-single-with-nothing stage) is having to consult with your spouse on things. And have discussions when there are disagreements. Add to the mix that we have a blended family and this becomes even more challenging.
The “ideal” that we’d hoped for is not materializing very well… we wanted to be as complete as a family whose children were both biologically theirs. But as involved as he’s been, as much as he cares about her, it’s still coming to the surface that my hubby is merely my daughter’s step-parent. When Paul entered the scene in Harmony’s 4th year, she decided to call him Daddy and accept him as a member of the household.
But the acceptance doesn’t seem to have lasted. She was OK when we were at the stage where Paul was an observer and getting used to our routine. But as he became more comfortable in the role as a dad and starting taking on more interest and responsibility for her well-being, she started to resist.
These days, her defiance is startling. Paul and I could ask her the same thing and she would do it for me and not for him. He could say something to her one way and it causes a huge blow-up and tears and I find a different way to say it and she understands.
The turmoil between those two has become so stressful lately that I’ve been stepping in to intervene. We are going back to that “my mom is the boss and I also have a stepdad” model of things. And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just not what we’d hoped for.
Which is extremely frustrating for Paul. And how do you tell a young father who actually *wants* to be involved in his (step)child’s life that he can’t be as much as he’d like to?? Aren’t things usually the opposite? Some moms have to drag their partners into parenting kicking and screaming! But over the past 6 years I’ve come to realize that sometimes being involved and caring isn’t enough to translate into parenting that’s best for the child.
I feel really stuck in the middle. But I’ve decided that I would much rather find a way to make it work so we can all stay together as a family, than have things continue to deteriorate to a point where that wouldn’t be possible.
I’m putting my “primary parent” hat back on. I hope it still fits OK.
March 27 2009 07:17 am | family and life as a mom and love & marriage
March 27th, 2009 at 11:38 am
I have no experience with your situation, but here are my thoughts. I think Harmony must learn that Paul is an equal to you if you want to have a healthy family. Even if Paul hasn’t adopted her, he still has come into the family and assumed that position. She needs to accept that. Since she was only 4 when he came into the family, she should be accustomed by now to Paul having a parenting role. If she is giving you backlash now and say she doesn’t have to listen to him, then she is using that as an excuse and that should not be tolerated. How will it look to Avery if Harmony is allowed to get away with things with Daddy that he isn’t? I respect that she has another father (I admit I know little of the situation), but she lives with you and your rules apply. If you want Paul to have that role, then you need to go that route.
Again, no experience with the situation. Just an outsiders view…