angel memories
Every year, we take a moment to acknowledge our angel babies that we lost through miscarriage.
This year we had another family over for supper so we had their little girl help light with lighting the candles along with my two. 3 candles for 3 angels so it worked out. Also, her mom and I were pregnant at the same time and when she was born (in October 2002) it was around the time my 1st angel would’ve been born.
Which partly explains why we always take the time to remember our miscarried babies on the same day each year – October 25th. Our first lost baby was due on October 5th and for my 3rd and 4th pregnancies, I started to miscarry them on October 25th (one year apart).
Another annual tradition linked with our candle-lighting is a donation made to March of Dimes. When we were losing our 2nd baby, I found out that they offered a free grief package with helpful info and I ordered one to be mailed. It was so helpful during those few weeks following the loss of our second baby.
This year, the March of Dimes has started a campaign where little bracelets can be created in honour of lost angel babies. So for our regular donation I created a bracelet for this second baby, willow. Maybe next year, I can create another bracelet for our third baby, sienna.
If you’re a regular charity-giver, please consider the March of Dimes as a possible source of your givings. And if you’d like to donate in willow’s name, here is her bracelet:
willow’s band
After this many years, the pain and grief have dulled somewhat, but I still wish things had happened differently. I can’t necessarily wish that all my angels had survived to term and survived because some of them “overlap” in terms of pregnancies and both pregnancies would not have been possible as 40-week affairs. And of course I love my little Avery so much that I wouldn’t trade him in!
But I still really wish I hadn’t had to go through that much loss and pain. No one should have to endure that, and it seems that so many mothers do! Every pregnancy I had was treasured and the moment I knew I was pregnant was when the dreams started – planning the nursery, thinking about names and what that baby would look like and be like.
I’m especially sad about willow, because if she had been born on time and survived to term, I would still have possibly had Avery. Not only because the pregnancies had overlapped, but also because I had been planning on a possible 3 children until the many miscarriages pushed that plan away completely and we had to be happy with just the one.
She would’ve fit in just perfectly with the family, and would be 6 years old now (in between my 10- and 4-year-olds). And maybe bridged the gap between my widely-spaced kids, who don’t get along as siblings as much as I wish. I can’t help wondering how different things would be if that had been the case. She could’ve been saved as well – her heart problem was visible on our ultrasound around 8-9 weeks but both the doctor and OB thought that each other had told me about it.
I miss you willow and think of you often, not just in October. I wish you had survived. I wish I’d known about your little heart, that you were trying to hang in there, so I could’ve slowed down and not over-taxed both of us. Delivering you at 3 months pregnant at the hospital was one of the saddest experiences of my life, even now with my painful daily existence. Nothing that fall was worth your life and I would’ve given it all up if it would’ve saved you.
November 16 2009 08:54 pm | angels and family and pain / disability
