Christmas got to me
So not only have things not improved in the past 2 months, they have gotten much worse…
In December, I tried my best to give my kids a “normal” Christmas, but of course, I overdid it. Even though I kept cutting back my ToDo list, I couldn’t keep up. Of all my ambitions, many weren’t realized. For instance, I had planned to put an adorable hand-knit hat (or scarf) on the head (or neck) of many many a close friend’s young child! But I only ended up finishing 1 scarf in time to give for the actual day.
I did most of my shopping early, I did a lot of it online. I started wrapping early. I set lower standards for myself (like “only” making 12 handmade cards). I tried to “pace” myself as much as I could (I still have not learned if that’s an official thing you can learn and apply to pain in a unique way, but I just spread things out in a common sense way!). But still, I totally crashed…
Week before Christmas, I was in bed to pull myself back from the edge of total breakdown. I camped out there for a few days, starting with the Sunday after our annual open house, which was so wonderfully busy and FULL (of caring and dear friends, of busy children, of sweet babies, of adorable toddlers), it made me feel real happiness, which cut sharply and bravely through the pain and exhaustion. I hung onto those feelings, even the next day when I barely left my bed or my room.
Christmas Day, my son woke insanely early and was in and out of our room. We got up with him and went downstairs at a more reasonable hour and I put on my usual happy face for the kiddos. I’m so very very good at that now. Not first thing in the mornings, usually (my DS has literally screamed at what he calls my “scary morning eyes” – bleary, dark, can-hardly-open-them tired eyes), but as I get going, I can look almost normal. I dressed all up for the traditional brunch with the family. It was nice except that I missed handing out half my cards when I went to lie down in my parents’ spare room bed.
A few days after Christmas, I found myself having severe chest pains. They lasted hours and hours, even when I took myself right to bed at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. It was hard to tell if I had any other new symptoms – after all, I frequently experienced headaches, was sometimes short of breath or dizzy, was always having aches and pains, was exhausted round-the-clock and had been regularly suffering from increased nausea for weeks due to medication changes anyways! Still, when my DH looked up the chest pains, we became worried my heart was involved and most of the information out there will tell you: DON’T take the risk, get to a hospital right away!
My heart passed all the tests there, which was a relief but also meant I would get bumped down the priority queue and would wait for many hours to find out what was actually wrong with me. I finally got an answer at around 10:30pm (still having these severe extra pains this whole time!). The doctor was very informative – she gave a Dx of Costocondritis, which is apparently very common for women who have Fibromyalgia, especially women who have larger breasts (and my DDs hadn’t exactly been well-contained in my bras with all the fighting against gaining extra weight as of late!). She advised me it would take a few days for that particular episode to calm down and prescribed heat and ibuprophen (while dropping my regular anti-inflammatory medication to not destroy my stomach too much).
I did get that episode cleared up, but it has been back very regularly since over the past 4 weeks. Lovely! Isn’t another side effect of everything I have going on *just* what I needed? An online friend in a Chronic Pain group used a term that I am totally adopting now because it is just the perfect word to describe everything that has happened to me the past few years: collateral damage. This domino effect of all these events and circumstances that have followed the collisions… like those cars didn’t just hit me: they bumped into my LIFE and started knocking over everything, piece by piece, area by area. Health, fiances, parenting, marriage, volunteering, hobbies, social life… and now nothing remains untouched.
Anyways, I hadn’t intended to vent about how miserable I am (I’ll save that for my therapy sessions, which I’m finally finally doing at long last – carving out time for myself to heal a little!). Point being: I went through this and it sucked, and I wish I’d know about it before. Obviously I’m not a doctor so even if you are someone suffering from Fibro, if you think you have something going on that could possibly involve your heart, you need to get checked out! But now you can have this to hold onto like “maybe it’s just this…” so you’re not, say, worried the whole time that you might die and leave your husband and children behind to look after themselves without you. And that maybe they might not do that very well because even though you *think* you only take up space on the couch knitting all the time and not cooking anymore, you actually do a lot for the family with planning and organizing and what not. Just for example, if you were someone like that.
Next point is that I can barely crawl to my home office to update my blog. Or post pics of my knitted works. Or pics of cards (not that I have created all that many new ones lately anyways). I have been considering closing or changing it again, just as I have been considering closing or changing my small business, KStar Design. I’m so behind on life things and health things and real things that I don’t know why I would want to keep trying to keep up online as well. I officially stepped down from my Young Mommies Boards recently and it felt so sad but it was also very necessary.
More on all this later (hopefully?), but change is in the air…
ETA: the original version of this entry was glitchy, only the re-posted version (Jan 31st) is the full copy
January 25 2012 01:57 pm | EZ-blog Oven and domestic engineering and family and knitty/stitchy and life as a mom and pain / disability
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