Also another time for our annual donation to the March of Dimes for the work they do with families with premature babies, NICU babies and those who have lost a baby or fetus. I know their Berreavement package was very helpful to me when I was grieving my losses, and I want to make sure that good work can continue.

Previously, you may remember, I had created one for our 2nd lost baby, willow… This year for our donation, I created a band for sienna:

sienna’s band

Next year I will try to remember to create a third band for our other miscarried baby so that they all have one.

If you are someone who makes regular donations to charities, please consider making a donation in the name of one of our angel babies, or just towards the March of Dimes in general.

When we lit our candles this year, I sent a little prayer up to them in heaven and told them I hoped they were playing and happy. I asked them to please help watch over their brother and sister here on earth. I told them we still missed them so much and thought of them often.

In our new home, I have created a little “nook” where we can store some of our memorabilia for our angel babies… Each of their cross-stitches hangs there now on the wall and there is a little shelf that holds some of the little knick-knacks that I bought when I was pregnant and/or grieving. The little baby shoes have their birth-stones, as do the other little statues. There is also a calendar photo I had laminated and wood-mounted that reminded me of them – the 3 babies are wearing colours that are similar to the genders we think the babies may have been (1 boy, 1 girl, 1 undetermined).

When I was talking to my son about lighting the candles and explaining why we do it, he seemed to understand more this year (although he also seems to have mostly forgotten the conversation, 2 days later! lol). I know it is a bit sad for him to grow up knowing that he has 3 angel siblings watching over him, but he also has some awareness of the knowledge that he is such a miracle, it took 4 tries for Mommy and Daddy to be able to have him and keep him!

We are still sad when we remember our angels and we will miss them always and wonder “What if…?”. But we definitely count our blessings: one, two!! Our living children are amazing, smart, and healthy, and thank God for all of that!

This year we had another family over for supper so we had their little girl help light with lighting the candles along with my two. 3 candles for 3 angels so it worked out. Also, her mom and I were pregnant at the same time and when she was born (in October 2002) it was around the time my 1st angel would’ve been born.

Which partly explains why we always take the time to remember our miscarried babies on the same day each year – October 25th. Our first lost baby was due on October 5th and for my 3rd and 4th pregnancies, I started to miscarry them on October 25th (one year apart).

Another annual tradition linked with our candle-lighting is a donation made to March of Dimes. When we were losing our 2nd baby, I found out that they offered a free grief package with helpful info and I ordered one to be mailed. It was so helpful during those few weeks following the loss of our second baby.

This year, the March of Dimes has started a campaign where little bracelets can be created in honour of lost angel babies. So for our regular donation I created a bracelet for this second baby, willow. Maybe next year, I can create another bracelet for our third baby, sienna.

If you’re a regular charity-giver, please consider the March of Dimes as a possible source of your givings. And if you’d like to donate in willow’s name, here is her bracelet:

willow’s band

After this many years, the pain and grief have dulled somewhat, but I still wish things had happened differently. I can’t necessarily wish that all my angels had survived to term and survived because some of them “overlap” in terms of pregnancies and both pregnancies would not have been possible as 40-week affairs. And of course I love my little Avery so much that I wouldn’t trade him in!

But I still really wish I hadn’t had to go through that much loss and pain. No one should have to endure that, and it seems that so many mothers do! Every pregnancy I had was treasured and the moment I knew I was pregnant was when the dreams started – planning the nursery, thinking about names and what that baby would look like and be like.

I’m especially sad about willow, because if she had been born on time and survived to term, I would still have possibly had Avery. Not only because the pregnancies had overlapped, but also because I had been planning on a possible 3 children until the many miscarriages pushed that plan away completely and we had to be happy with just the one.

She would’ve fit in just perfectly with the family, and would be 6 years old now (in between my 10- and 4-year-olds). And maybe bridged the gap between my widely-spaced kids, who don’t get along as siblings as much as I wish. I can’t help wondering how different things would be if that had been the case. She could’ve been saved as well – her heart problem was visible on our ultrasound around 8-9 weeks but both the doctor and OB thought that each other had told me about it.

I miss you willow and think of you often, not just in October. I wish you had survived. I wish I’d known about your little heart, that you were trying to hang in there, so I could’ve slowed down and not over-taxed both of us. Delivering you at 3 months pregnant at the hospital was one of the saddest experiences of my life, even now with my painful daily existence. Nothing that fall was worth your life and I would’ve given it all up if it would’ve saved you.

So I’m launching the site instead as just a spot for message boards and non-blinkie graphic art. And moving a couple of the groups I host (for moms of angels) to that board as well to help get it started.

If you are or know any moms who are dreaming about working from home, about a new house, about a new baby, about finding love, or about a dream wedding, please send them this way!