Creating Kris ~ a young mom blogs…

Obsessive Cuteness Disorder

so saw my shrink this morning.

and was happy to report my OCD is doing *much* better.

I only munch on the baby every 2nd or 3rd day and only once a day (instead of multiple times a day and/or every day). This is a big improvement, trust me.

I credit the crapload of Prozac, but also myself. This OCD has been a struggle to overcome, because it’s so self-reinforcing. The more you obsess, the more you give in to your compulsions, which leads you to obsess more.

I think this cycle has finally reversed itself though and is working in the opposite direction: the less I obsess, the less I give in, which causes me to obsess a lot less. If I’m not munching my munchkin, I don’t spend tons of time churning up all sorts of self-loathing surrounding that issue.

I worry that over-analyzing it so much at the beginning was what fed the fire. The anxiety that there was something horribly wrong with me for wanting to “nom nom nom” on my cute little baby may have been what turned a normal nurturing-mother reaction into an out-of-control disorder.

I feel more confident now that I can turn this around. I went from being so afraid of knives and sharp things that I couldn’t chop vegetables to being totally at ease with sharp cutlery again. So maybe there’s hope that one day eventually I can go a week without wanting to chew my son’s adorable cheek off.

As far as how the Prozac relates to the plan though, I could only get on the Cymbalta if I came off the Prozac first. And I agree with my psychiatrist that this is not a good idea. Since the fall, I’ve been starting to enjoy some relief from this agonizing brain-prison of obsessions and compulsions. I can’t risk giving that up, for Avery’s sake or for my own sanity.

I’d rather be in physical pain than face that degree of mental anguish again.

OCD update ~ 2 years now

latest news on the meds:

Luvox: last week went down to 200mg, now down to 150mg, then down to 100mg in one week.

Prozac: staying @ 20mg for now, but I’m actually starting to notice a slight change in my OCD symptoms!! a bit less “munchy” with Avery, and this is during a time in my cycle (PMS from hell) when it’s usually *worse*!!! here’s hoping this in an indication we may have finally found the right medication for me!!

the appointment with my psychiatrist went well, I was actually blabbing a bit about my latest ideas and projects and what not. also saw my counsellor, and that appointment really did not go as well at all. I presented an idea I have about the biting urges and she thinks I’m grasping at straws and seeming pretty “desperate” to find a quick fix, the one miracle pill or solution that will solve all my OCD problems.

my thoughts are “hey, it’s worth trying”, but I think she in concerned it might make things worse. she did talk with her clinical supervisor though about my case and he had some different suggestions, like taking the Exposure / Response Prevention therapy at a bit of a slower pace so it doesn’t freak me out or scare me off so much (previously when we’d tried it, I’d just found it so disturbing and awful that I would just run away from the whole experience!!!). another idea was “two-chair” therapy, which would be splitting up the two parts of my brain and having them talk to one another – the critical, judging self talking to the healthy self who knows deep down what is really good for me and what I need.

I go back to see my psychiatrist in 2 weeks and back to see my counsellor in 3, so until then I’ll just keep taking the meds I’m taking and seeing if it helps any.

It’s June so that’s 2 years since I was diagnosed with OCD in the first place. I’ve been on about a dozen different medications and although some of them have helped with some of my symptoms, the main symptom (biting urges and compulsions) has not significantly diminished. I’ve gained over 50lbs in that 2-year time span though!! So am I any better off now than I was back then? I don’t feel like I am, but I have learned a lot of coping skills, and things were worse before they got better, so maybe they would have been even worse had I not started medication, etc. Maybe I would not have lived through the experience.

In the meantime, as I was saying to my counsellor, I’m still living my life and trying to enjoy it as much as possible. I still have a really healthy relationship with Avery! I’ve still been able to sing to the kids, read with them, go places, work, maintain a healthy marriage and love life, hang out with friends, scrapbook,, everything. Sometimes I’m more functional than others, but overall I would say I’m hanging in there and just waiting this out. I’ve been slowly dealing with the fact that this OCD might be around for life, in stages of “waxing and waning” and haven’t quite accepted that yet (since it was “post-partum onset” OCD I keep hoping it’ll go away completely once I am far past the post-partum stage of life!), but I’m getting there.

the final word

so I get handed the phone, it’s the police

“Thanks for calling me back…” I start.
“No, it’s about Melissa Hilchey.”

because get this – not only did she e-mail me to harass me one last time to get the final word, she called the police on me yet again. so they called me. I hadn’t even yet started my file or told my side of the story, they were calling about her file, filled with her accusations and partial-truths.

my phobia of cops was yet again re-inforced… he was tough, rude, disrespectful, wouldn’t even add my side of the story to the file – “it doesn’t matter”. didn’t even care that I’ve *never* e-mailed her unless she e-mailed me first. Apparently you can still call the police on your victim even if you are the one antagonizing.

She reminds me of a toddler… gives you a whack on the back of your head and then when you spin around to face them, falls down and cries… “She hit meeeeee!” By the time your parent arrives on the scene, you’re both in time out.

silver lining on this ugly gray cloud is that now that she’s made this charge, she’s not allowed to come after me anymore. and she’s not allowed to contact me through anyone else, so she can’t send her bodyguard Krissie after me either.

Maybe now I can finally have some peace and quiet.

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to all the moms out there with PPD and/or OCD:

be strong! don’t let people harass you and discriminate against you! stand up and take action the first time someone does, don’t let it wait.

one thing I regret is not calling the police when this vindictive person first started harassing me. She e-mailed me to tell me about the CAS call and then started e-mailing me and e-mailing me to remove her from my LiveJournal, which I hadn’t gotten around to yet since getting out of the hospital. I’d asked her not to contact me but she kept at it. I wish I’d been the one to open the file so it could’ve been on my terms and with *my* side of the story included.

Another lesson learned and a tip for mothers who are going to be seeking help for their PPD or OCD: I know it may seem strange but it might actually be better for *you* to call your local child services agency yourself before anyone else does!!! Then you can explain “I have post-partum depression. I’m suicidal. I would never ever hurt my child and I’m doing every possible thing I can to help myself and to keep them safe”. One of my PPD-support-group friends had CAS called on her because she confessed her PPD suicidal ideations to a nurse at a well-baby clinic and it was just a nightmare for her just like it’s been for me. I wish I had thought of this idea to call and start a file at the start of my journey of seeking help.

Most importantly, don’t let your fear of harassment and discrimination stop you from getting the help you need!!! Even though there are people out there who will mask their ignorance with hate and fear and who will act out against you, I think it’s still worth it to get out there and tell people what’s happening to you and that you need treatment for it!! SO many mothers suffer in silence and end up stuck in their homes alone. Because they fear judgment from others for what they are experiencing, they close up and don’t tell anyone what’s running through their minds. Some of them don’t get help or medication or therapy. Some of them commit suicide. That certainly almost happened to me, even with medication and with therapy and support.

My OCD journey is far from over. I’m still getting lots of help, but I still have lots of symptoms. Obsessing over all the mean things that people have said or done to me is one of those symptoms, unfortunately. But I’ve fought my way through so far and I will keep fighting.

My survival is and will be my victory.