February 26th, 2009 -- Posted in OCD, PPD, anti-psychotic meds, baby-munching, pain / disability |
so saw my shrink this morning.
and was happy to report my OCD is doing *much* better.
I only munch on the baby every 2nd or 3rd day and only once a day (instead of multiple times a day and/or every day). This is a big improvement, trust me.
I credit the crapload of Prozac, but also myself. This OCD has been a struggle to overcome, because it’s so self-reinforcing. The more you obsess, the more you give in to your compulsions, which leads you to obsess more.
I think this cycle has finally reversed itself though and is working in the opposite direction: the less I obsess, the less I give in, which causes me to obsess a lot less. If I’m not munching my munchkin, I don’t spend tons of time churning up all sorts of self-loathing surrounding that issue.
I worry that over-analyzing it so much at the beginning was what fed the fire. The anxiety that there was something horribly wrong with me for wanting to “nom nom nom” on my cute little baby may have been what turned a normal nurturing-mother reaction into an out-of-control disorder.
I feel more confident now that I can turn this around. I went from being so afraid of knives and sharp things that I couldn’t chop vegetables to being totally at ease with sharp cutlery again. So maybe there’s hope that one day eventually I can go a week without wanting to chew my son’s adorable cheek off.
As far as how the Prozac relates to the plan though, I could only get on the Cymbalta if I came off the Prozac first. And I agree with my psychiatrist that this is not a good idea. Since the fall, I’ve been starting to enjoy some relief from this agonizing brain-prison of obsessions and compulsions. I can’t risk giving that up, for Avery’s sake or for my own sanity.
I’d rather be in physical pain than face that degree of mental anguish again.
February 18th, 2009 -- Posted in OCD, baby-munching, family, life as a mom, pain / disability, work/career |
I envy the people who can say they have “no regrets”. I find I’m constantly haunted by choices made that could’ve ended up differently.
even after the 1st car accident, I would run it over and over in my mind… if only I’d been driving on a different road that day, or ten minutes later, or or or! I wouldn’t've been hit.
and for things I’ve actually made the decisions about for myself, it’s worse. I *could’ve* chosen differently and didn’t, and now I’m dealing with the repercussions of that.
I’m being inundated with negative events lately.
Last week when I went to the aquafit class I started taking, the elevator said “out of service”! So I sat at the top of the stairs in my walker trying to decide what to do.
I’ve still been getting those calls about jobs. This afternoon I got a call from an agency I’d signed up for a long time ago who had a great opportunity – long-term government contract with Infrastructure. I gave up the one with Agriculture Canada last week, and nothing has changed! I’m still hobbling around, so I had to explain I couldn’t even go for this one either.
Avery’s been home sick (Paul’s on course and so I’ve been taking care of him) and it sucks. He knows Mommy can’t do sh*t to enforce the consequences. Ironically, my OCD’s been much better over the past little while – why couldn’t I have had a break in between these 2 different debilitating conditions that keep me from being the kind of mother I want to be?
I had to miss my examination today, and meanwhile got a letter informing me of 3 more!! So that’s 4 days of “tests” with various doctors that my car accident insurance can force me to go through. It’s legal, I checked. I think the person I talked to was onto something when she guessed that they throw so much paper in your direction because they hope you’ll just give up and leave them alone.
This is on top of the other things that are making this a bad day that I don’t even want to get into.
It feels like our family is totally screwed over.
It’s the world against us and we are losing.
