Creating Kris ~ a young mom blogs…

a bad nightmare

bad nightmare…

I was home alone (which I often have been these days since the car accident) and the doorbell rang. I opened the door and it was Melissa Hilchey. (I have no clue where she lives but she knows where I live) For some reason she had a really huge fruit basket. I screamed and kicked the basket out of her hands and fruit went rolling around my front steps and onto the walkway. I tried to close and lock the door but she forced her way through, I was too physically weak to stop her. She knocked me down and I was face-down on the front hallway carpet. I struggled to get up. She grabbed a knife from the kitchen and stood on my back in her painful shoes. She was yelling and screaming at me frantically. “I’m so much better than you!” she shouted. She started stabbing me in the back. “Admit that I’m better than you!” she threatened, pausing in the stabbing. “Say it!” She held the knife really close to my back so that I could feel the sharpness. “Say I’m not the only one who had CAS come! Say that I’m not a bad mother for having CAS take my own baby away! Say that you’re so much worse than me!” I didn’t say anything, so she started stabbing me again. “Admit that I’m more powerful than you!!!” She just kept screaming and stabbing. I at least managed to scream out “No!” before I lost consciousness, but there was blood gurgling out my mouth.

Yuck, creepy. I can’t wait until this is all over and I can have 100% of my life back.

I sent both of them an e-mail yesterday asking (for the 2nd time) that they stop contacting me. I attached the emails from the 1st time when I’d asked them to not contact me. So hopefully that’s it, that’s all. Done, done, done. They should just leave me alone and stop interfering with my life. Hopefully they can both find better ways to feel good about themselves other than picking on someone who has OCD which causes obsessive thoughts about every little piece of conflict that happens. Hopefully they won’t simply move on to kicking dogs or tripping blind people or something, but will actually stop feeling the need to hurt others in order to make themselves feel more powerful.

I also sent Sarah an e-mail asking her to help make them stop. I told her she’s a good person and that there must be some loyalty left. If she tells them “Look, quit picking on Kris, haven’t you put her through enough?”, then maybe they will listen.

If it all doesn’t stop here, well I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I talked to Paul about getting restraining orders against them, but he says it’s probably more paperwork/trouble than it’s worth. I don’t know if there’s anything much I can do legally, the police probably don’t give a damn about getting involved in a fight over e-mails and blogs and phone calls. They are trying to hurt me, sure, but they haven’t come around my house or tracked my down. Krissie came over to my (small) neighbourhood and the only grocery store that I go to (it’s the only one close to me), but as Paul joked at least she wasn’t chasing me with her grocery cart or anything. Melissa said she called the police on me, but that could’ve just been a threat, a lie meant to rattle me. When she posted anonymously in my blog I didn’t go calling the police on her so I don’t know what their reaction would be to something you can’t really prove and could be fabricated by the owner of the blog. And all I have as proof is a CAS file and a handful of harassing e-mails, like the original “I called CAS on you” e-mail, and a few e-mails from when Melissa said she wouldn’t contact me but then kept repeatedly e-mailing me to take her off my LJ list.

I called my psychiatrist yesterday to see if I could squeeze into a cancellation spot or something, and there had been a cancellation but there was one person on the waiting list so he said he had to offer it to her first before I could have it. So I might not get in to see him to be able to talk all of this over but at least I do get to see him next week, so maybe that will help me feel more calm and be able to just keep moving on like I had succeeded in doing on Monday after my vent … until Krissie crossed over into my little online “world” to stir things up even more. Ugh, seriously, I rant about people intruding on my territory so what do they do? Intrude on it more and upset me more. Some people really make me wonder.

Ok, I’m going to try to go back to sleep now (it’s 4:25 am and I’ve been up since about maybe 3:30am?)… hopefully the painkillers have kicked in and my heat pad has helped. I did go to physio yesterday but after all the stress I was put through, I still had a lot of pain. Sucks that I’m in a position where people can so easily affect me emotionally and physically just from a few simple mean actions… When I’m recovered from the car accidents and recovered from the PPD and OCD, I’ll be so glad to be able to feel a little less fragile and vulnerable.

Announcing….. my new blog! :)

So as my little online world grows and grows, so does my online self/identity. And I think it’s time to just toss “Krismom” out there into the world (wide web), sink or swim…

News flash: My blog, which is staying @ the front-and-center of Krismom.com, is now migrating over from LJ to Wordpress! It will be hosted by me on my site and will be search-able and easily accessible on the net. Most notably: most of the friends-only posts I’m transferring over from LiveJournal will not be locked. This includes the previously-locked posts from over the past years, written as I was facing severe depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, suicidal thoughts, and hospitalization. You may now peek into my little world and see who I really am. All of me.

(((deep breath))) and I’m hoping everyone will be OK with that, myself included. And I’m hoping maybe to inspire, to encourage, to help other young moms cope and get through whatever they are facing, because maybe there are some moms out there who are going through what I’m going through (or have been through in my crazy crazy life) and who need to know they are not alone!!!

I know I’m not “famous”, but in my own little circles (like YM), well, I’m at least a very familiar face… so I want to use this to help others. I know I have problems but I also know I’m a damn good mommy and I’m proud of it. All along, I’ve done everything I possibly could to recover and heal and be the best mom I could be to my kids. And I want other mommies to know that you can overcome huge obstacles in your life and be OK in the end! You can be suffering but still bring a lot of love and joy into the world every single day. Even when you feel like you can’t possibly make it through one more thing, you somehow do, and somehow manage to be a role model to yourself and your kids and your friends while doing it.

Over the past few years, suffering from PPD and OCD has been one of the worst experiences I’ve ever made it through. I’d say it’s been tougher than being a single teen parent, than being kicked out of your house as a pregnant teen by your mother and a cop, than having a C-section without a properly-functioning epidural, than having 3 miscarriages, than being in 2 car accidents, than being a final-year-thesis-writing undergrad psych major, than any heart-wrenching break-up. And it’s been by far the most life-threatening. I’ve made it through allllll of these other life events but almost didn’t make it through the mental health issues and the suicidal thoughts that came with them (which were mostly due to the meds taken attempting to treat these disorders!). I am honest when I tell you that post-partum depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder almost killed me. And are slowly killing little parts of me to this day as I try to escape from them.

Instead of killing myself though, I have lived, and I want that life to be worth as much as it can be. I am reaching out to everyone… to know me, to learn from me, to join me on this journey I’m taking and draw some courage from it. I’ve always known I would be a helper and a healer. In my work running YM for the past decade, I’ve tried to do just that. And I think this is one more way I can help to heal others. And to maybe finally heal myself in the process.

I’ve started the massive project of moving my blog over to Krismom.com last week on my birthday. It’s been a week and I have all of 2008 transferred over. Only… 5 more years to go? Yikes. Please be patient as I get things set up more and more. I’ll post again when the full archives become available. For now though please stop by Krismom.com as much as you can and share it with other people you know who might need it in their lives. Especially other young moms!

My wish is to be everyone’s fave 20-something ex-teen-mom, writing, designing, psych-graduate, YM-running, blinkie-making, baby-munching, feminist, married, queer, poly, mom of 2 kids & 3 angels, who was hospitalized for PPD and now has OCD and chronic pain from 2 car accidents… And if I’m not, well *please* introduce me to this woman who’s anything remotely like me ’cause wow I need to get some pointers from her on how to cope with getting through life with all this on her plate!!

Thanks for reading and hope to see you @ my new blog!!!

x-posted to LJ, Krismom.com, Facebook, & YM

Ode to my house plants

This is an ode to all the house plants that have died during my depression
And to the ones that (miraculously) survived…

Your leafy greeness couldn’t keep me whole
Or motivated to get off the floor
When I was falling to my lowest low
And didn’t think that I could do much more

Then your fading didn’t wake me up
I saw your roots distressed, your soil dry
But still I didn’t hear the call to arms
Still I could not bring myself to try

As the small and weak ones withered next
I still could just stare vacantly and pray
These heavy hands which could not carry water
As life within me faded day by day

I burried some of you from time to time
Each one an added guilt for me to bear
A failure of my always nurturing ways
A sign that I had lost my knack of care

And yet I noticed tiny shoots of green
A chosen few showed strength to carry on
Burried deep within their soil was stored
The history of care from days long gone

I’d given of myself when once I could
For some, it was enough to last them through
Their leaves stood proudly seeking for the sun
While waiting for the time I’d come anew

So open up the windows, bring the light
Dust off the watering can, prepare the soil
A whispering is afoot that time is nigh
For mother’s hands to turn back to her toil

I meet these days with face towards the dawn
The hope within me brimming over my cup
Against all this uncertainty I am strong
As I struggle boldy to get up

This dark floor – my resting place too long
All that I have missed and lost, I mourn
But as I look to plants that still live on
Inspiration comes in hope reborn

I’ve been waiting to write that for a very long time. I think it was finally time though, I hope it was.